Grief during COVID-19
Grief and loss
During COVID-19
Are you grieving or feeling a sense of loss?
Military training teaches you to be ready for action, prepared for every eventuality and to plan for the worst. However, grief is something you can't prepare for. So, when we lose someone we love and grief hits, you might feel completely out of control. With no orders to follow or plans to carry out to help you deal with grief, it can feel very overwhelming. To feel lost is not unusual.
Losing someone we love happens to us all at some point in our lives. As humans we have a natural instinct to care for others, so when we lose someone we care about, it is not surprising this hurts. Military culture also promotes the protection of others. To serve the country, to fight against wrongdoing, are all ultimately acts of selflessness to protect those back home. But when you can’t protect those you care for, when the threat is invisible as COVID-19 is, and you can’t mobilise to actions, losing someone in these circumstances can leave you feeling pretty helpless.
COVID-19 is not choosy. It is not always clear why some of our loved ones are fighting for their lives or have died, whilst we remain fit and healthy. Many veterans have a strong moral compass and surviving where others have not can be pretty difficult to come to terms with. Our emotions when grieving is heightened and you might have feelings that you don’t recognise. Feelings are not readily talked about in the military, so for some veterans, talking about feelings when you have lost someone can be tough.
You may have experienced a sense of loss when you left the military, especially the loss of being with your mates and the sense of family that the military promotes. The loss of a military ‘identity’ can often bring about similar feelings to that of grief and is not uncommon. It may be that you have recently lost a friend and you feel unable to help in the fight against COVID-19.
Finally, COVID-19 may also have brought about changes to your job or even the loss of your job. This can also be felt as a real loss. Our work be it paid or unpaid, can be really important. It helps us to feel that we are contributing to something meaningful, are supporting our families, make us feel good about ourselves and provide us with helpful routines. When work changes our feelings about this can be powerful and include grief. It is important to recognise this is normal.
What is grief and loss?
What is grief and loss?
Grief is the term used to describe our body’s response to the loss of someone we care about. It is often thought of as an emotion however, in reality grief can encompass a range of physical, emotional, and psychological symptoms. It’s how our body adjusts to what has happened and makes sense of it.
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you. It’s also a very personal response. You might have expectations about how you feel you should respond. But the truth is – there is no RIGHT way to grieve. People might have said to you “you’re not grieving properly” but I'll let you into a secret, there is no proper way of doing this. Everyone grieves differently. But if you can accept your feelings, take care of yourself, and seek support, you can heal.
Grief is not consistent; it can change daily. These changes often occur in response to something, for instance you might see something in the media or hear a song that reminds you of the person you have lost, or you might suddenly think about them and the times you shared. It can come like a tsunami; one day might be good, the next overwhelming. The pain of grief is not constant but comes in waves, it will rise and fall. It will gradually become less but even years later can be triggered by anniversaries, a piece of music or some other reminder of the person who you lost.
After losing someone, you might notice some of the following changes in your behaviour:
- Keeping yourself overly busy
- Being snappy towards others
- Avoiding reminders of them
- Throwing yourself into new projects
The thinking part
When we are grieving our thoughts might be different to normal. We might make assumptions or jump to conclusions more readily. The part of your thinking that was once clear in a crisis, is no longer available.
- Disbelief - ’This didn’t happen’
- Finding it hard to think about anything other than the loss
- Sensing the presence of the lost person
- Thinking that you see the lost person everywhere, e.g., someone in the distance looks like them
There are also many myths about grief and the process of grieving. These can often occupy our minds and are often unhelpful.
The Feeling part
Grief can bring about a whole range of different feelings. You might notice some of these, all of these or maybe some different ones too. There is no ‘correct’ way to feel when we lose someone so its important to remember that how you feel is real to you.
Some of the common feelings related to grief include:
- Shock
- Sadness
- Anger
- Yearning
- Anxiety
- Low mood
- Hopelessness
Myth busting:
- “Time heals” Time alone does not heal but action over / within time does. Being aware of what is happening to you, allowing your feelings to unfold, understanding y you feel the way you do and taking positive action to manage your grief (as mentioned here) helps. This may also mean talking to others or seeking further help.
- “Grieve alone, give them space, leave them alone” Some of us have learned that hat emotions, especially sad feelings, should be hidden or experienced alone, kept to yourself; this was more than likely reinforced in the military and as a veteran can be a hard habit to break.
- “Be Strong and man up” Veterans will be more than familiar with having to “man up and crack on” with their tasks and roles, despite what’s happened around them due to their experiences while serving. Being a “strong guardian” and “having others’ backs”, are hard to break out from. But “putting on a brave face” and blocking out feelings of grief to be strong for your family, kids, mates or workplace can lead to them becoming “bottled up” and causing more difficulty in the future
- “Keep very busy and distracted all the time” This can be a natural and automatic response to grief, particularly for veterans. It is healthy and important to keep a routine of varied activity but being too busy, distracted or slipping into ”workaholic” mode can be a way of avoiding grieving the emotions that come with this. Finding a balance is vital - take time for leisure, productivity, and self-care activities, but do allow yourself time to grieve too.
Why is it worse at the moment?
Losing someone to COVID-19 can be particularly hard for a whole number of reasons. . Many are not able to see their loved ones before they die and very few are able to attend funerals or memorials because of the current restrictions we currently live with. Not being able to say goodbye in person can be difficult and give rise to heightened feelings of loss, anger, regret and even guilt. This might also feel like familiar territory if you experienced losses while in the military. It is not uncommon for regiments to not see those that are medevacked and for funerals to take place before the section returns home. The COVID-19 crisis might also be reminding you of difficult memories such as these, and make losses now even tougher to deal with.
Having very strict restrictions in place about meeting or being with other people might also feel tough at the moment. . You might live alone and don’t have anyone to talk to. Not being able to physically see your loved ones and/or children are losses and you may be struggling to adapt to being a different type of parent, brother, sister, son or daughter etc. for now. These losses can also cause feelings of grief, including sadness, low mood, lack of motivation and feeling less productive. We know that being able to connect with those we still have in our lives is helpful, but right now that might be difficult for some.
What can I do to cope right now?
1. Connect with others
Share how you are feeling with someone else: share emotions whatever they may be with trusted family and friends. People experiencing a loss tend to want to talk about the person with others who knew them, and receive comfort from sharing memories. Picking up the phone, e-mailing, writing a letter or connecting with others online might be helpful and therapeutic.
2. Write
Try writing down your feelings, write a letter or a poem to the lost person or write a journal about the times you had together. This can be a helpful way to express how you’re feeling without bottling up those emotions, and also a nice way of remembering someone that you can keep forever.
3. Pay Your Respects
You might not be able to attend the funeral or visit the grave right now, but you can plan for when you can. Think about how you want this to look - do you want to say anything? Will you take flowers? How do you want to remember them? Are there ways in which you can have your own small act of remembrance? Perhaps you could have a space in your garden or a special public space where you sit to remember the good times with them or light a candle at particular times or make something that celebrates their life.
4. Be Mindful of Your Daily Activities
The activities you choose to do hold great power. For some, keeping up familiar productive, leisure and social activities will help with recovery. Maintaining some sense of normality is considered important.
Others may be drawn to a project or new activities. Focusing on a work task or some home improvement can help provide something other than pain to focus on but don’t let it become so distracting you don’t have time to grieve.
There is great value in creative activities and being in nature. Creative activities can be a way to transform chaos into order, involve ‘letting go’, act as a way of self-expression and focus attention away from stress. Craft, art, woodwork, building, gardening, writing or poetry, music or cooking, wherever your interests lie.
5. Gently stay connected with your roles in life
It is important to recognise that you still have important roles in life. Gently stay connected to these roles, you might find it difficult right now so take your time and be kind to yourself. You are a friend, a family member and how you feel is important. Connect with others when you feel able.
If you are not returning to your previous work role, do so gradually and try to use any spare time where you feel ok to focus on what skills might support you when you return. It might be that you find something online that you can do now to help you prepare.
Remember!
Remember that there is no set way of grieving. There is also no “normal” amount of time to grieve and your personal grieving process depends on many factors. By being kind to yourself, allowing yourself to experience all the feelings that come after losing someone and staying connected to important people and roles in your life, you will gradually move through this painful time.
Is there someone I can call and talk to?
Occasionally when grieving, some have feelings of not wanting to carry on with life which can be severe enough to become suicidal feelings. Although these feelings are also not untypical it is important to seek professional help from your GP or NHS 111 if struggling with urges to harm yourself.