Bob's Story

“After 50 years I had a light bulb moment; I wasn't at fault. I wasn't to blame.”

Army veteran Bob blamed himself for an incident in Northern Ireland for 50 years, before Combat Stress’ life-changing treatment helped him to see he wasn’t at fault. Here he shares the difference to his life today.

Bob joined the Army at 15 years old, joining a long line of family members stretching back to the 1840s. During his 14 years with the Royal Engineers, he served all over the world including Kenya, Canada and Belize. “If there was a job that needed to be done, we would do it,” he says.

In 1972 Bob was deployed to Northern Ireland at the age of 18. “We were clearing barricades when something happened,” he says. “And from that day on, I blamed myself.

“Because of the trauma, I was told to go out and get hammered and come back in the next day,” he says. “I came back to brand new combat gear and the old bloody stuff was gone. That was the way of it back then, but it didn’t work.”

Bob began having nightmares and started drinking as he struggled to cope with what had happened but was unaware he was experiencing PTSD. He left the Army in 1982 and quickly got a job on Civvy Street, but his PTSD got worse in 2004 when his father and father-in-law both passed away within six weeks of each other.

Bob started to experience extreme anger, mood swings and nightmares and missed out on weddings and social occasions. “You don't have to be physical to hurt your loved ones,” he says. “My tongue could hit a lot harder than a bad guy’s fist and sorry doesn’t cut it after a while.”

Years later in 2014 Bob was watching the National Service of Remembrance at the Cenotaph on TV, when a young soldier was interviewed about his PTSD. It struck a chord with Bob, who recognised himself in the soldier’s story. “His symptoms were my symptoms,” Bob says. “I said to my wife ‘he’s talking about me, that’s how I feel’ and she said, ‘I’ve been trying to tell you that!’”

Bob called the Combat Stress Helpline and was assessed, before receiving treatment. This helped him to manage his symptoms and to “see a light at the end of the tunnel.” However, in 2022 Bob felt himself “slipping” and reached out to Combat Stress again for help, before taking part in the charity’s intensive treatment programme for PTSD at the England South hub. “It was very, very hard,” Bob says. “Very intense and very satisfying.”

Bob worked with the charity’s expert clinicians to process his experiences. “During an afternoon session in week three, I had a light bulb moment,” he says. “After 50 years I realised I wasn't at fault. I wasn't to blame for what happened. I’ll never forget my friends or what happened, but I’ve filed it as it should be filed.”

Bob has now completed treatment and is determined to live his life to the full. “For the very first time in my life I'm having fun,” he says. “Little glimpses of the me from my childhood are coming out, mischievous and naughty. I learned to play polo at 65 years old because why not?

“My wife has noticed a huge difference in me - I still have mood swings, but everyone has that. If I hadn’t been helped by Combat Stress, I’d be lying in the gutter with a bottle of wine in my hands, or I’d be dead. Without the help I wouldn’t have survived.

“It's important that people know that Combat Stress brings us back from the edge of oblivion.”

April 2024